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    Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

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    Kvothe

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    Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:19 pm

    This thread is a receptacle for all those interesting limricks, ponderous phrases, and other odd tidbits that make you scratch your head.
    Almost anything goes as long as it is suitably intersting and mysterious.
    For example:
    If suits travel in garment bags, and garments travel in suitcases, what do shoes travel in?
    They're not loopholes; they're special rules for people that go to the trouble of finding them.
    Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.
    (Borrowed from evil dead, but still)
    I fear a different kind of cross...




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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Lord Grey II on Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:52 am

    • Lottery: A Tax on people who are bad at math.
    • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
    • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    • We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be Assimilated.
    • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your Nursing Home.
    • There are 3 kinds of people: those who know how to count, and those who don't.
    • There are 10 kinds of people on the planet: Those who know binary, and those who don't.
    • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    • Vegetarian: Indian Word for Lousy Hunter.
    • Don't be mad at your government - they haven't done anything.
    • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my Bombardier.
    • I don't have a license to kill; I have a Learner's Permit.
    • Taxation WITH Representation isn't so hot either.
    • Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.
    • Your child may be an Honor Student, but you're still an idiot.
    • Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    • Just say "NO!" to sex with pro-lifers.
    • Stop repeat offenders! Don't re-elect them.
    • If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
    • I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
    • My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
    • I'm having an out-of-money experience.
    • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
    • Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
    • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
    • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    • Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
    • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
    • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    • It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
    • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
    • Warning: Dates in Calender are closer than they appear.
    • Give me ambiguity, or give me something else!
    • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make another idiot.
    • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    • Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
    • Sex is like air, it's not important unless you're not getting any.
    • I never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
    • If everything is going well, then you have no idea what the hell is going on.
    • It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
    • Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is always fatal.
    • No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
    • An Unbreakable Toy is useful for breaking other toys.
    • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
    • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
    • There are very few problems that can't be solved with suitable applications of high-explosives.
    • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
    • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
    • Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
    • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
    • I doubt, therefore I might be.
    • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
    • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    • If the whole world is a stage, where is the audience?
    • If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    • If the #2 pencil is soooo great, then why is it still only #2?
    • If the work is so terrific, then why do they still have to pay you for it?
    • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


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    SD

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by SD on Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:58 pm

    ...Did you have that sitting around just for a thread like this?
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    Teasealot

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Teasealot on Thu Oct 21, 2010 4:17 pm

    Yes. Yes, we do.

    You know you're a Redneck when...

    More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
    Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
    You ever used lard in bed.
    Your home has more miles on it than your car.
    You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
    There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
    You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
    Fewer than half of your cars run.
    Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
    The primary color of your car is "bondo."
    You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
    You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
    Your family tree doesn't fork.
    Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
    Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
    You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
    The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
    The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
    Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
    You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
    Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
    The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
    You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
    You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
    You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
    The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
    Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
    You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
    Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
    You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
    The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
    You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
    You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
    The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
    You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
    Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
    You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
    You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
    You've been too drunk to fish.
    You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
    You've ever used a weedwhacker indoors.
    You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
    You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right.'
    You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
    Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
    You've ever financed a tattoo.
    Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
    You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
    You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
    Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
    Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
    Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
    The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
    Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
    Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
    You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
    You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
    Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
    You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
    Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
    You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
    You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occassions.
    You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a good time call..." because you feel guilty about putting it there.
    Redman sends you a Christmas card.
    You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
    Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
    Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
    Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
    You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
    You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
    You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
    You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
    You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
    You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
    After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
    The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
    You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
    Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
    Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
    You mow your lawn and find a car.
    If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
    You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
    You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
    You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
    You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
    You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
    You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
    You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
    There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
    You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."
    You've ever made change in the offering plate.
    If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
    You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
    You own at least 20 baseball hats.
    You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
    You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
    When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
    Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
    Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
    When you leave your house you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
    You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is.
    You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
    "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
    Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
    You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
    You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
    Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
    You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
    You have an Elvis Jello mold.
    You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
    You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
    You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
    You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
    There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
    The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
    It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
    You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
    You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
    You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
    Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
    The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
    Your mom calls You over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
    The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
    You have to check in the bottom your shoe for change so You can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
    Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
    You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
    You celebrate groundhog day (cause You believe in it!)
    You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
    You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
    When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
    Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
    Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
    You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
    Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
    "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
    Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
    You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
    You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
    Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
    You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
    Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
    The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
    You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
    You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
    You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
    You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
    Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
    You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
    Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
    Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
    The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
    Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
    On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."
    During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
    You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking as soon as it gets light.
    On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
    Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
    You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
    In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
    Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
    You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
    Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
    Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
    You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
    You bring your dog to work with you.


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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Lord Grey II on Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:08 pm

    SD wrote:...Did you have that sitting around just for a thread like this?

    Yup. c:


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    ShavedIguana

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by ShavedIguana on Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:02 pm

    This one's for you Tease...

    You might be a redneck if...

    You have ever been going down the interstate and you open the sliding side door of you van to get a better look at the wreck on the other side, despite the fact that there's a window in the door!

    This is 100% true. I actually saw this when sitting in traffic behind said wreck in Pigeon Forge, TN.
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    Teasealot

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Teasealot on Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:23 pm

    You might be a redneck if...

    You have more than 3 Singin' Fish in your house.


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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:20 pm

    I don't suffer from madness; I enjoy every minute of it.
    I let my mind wander, but then it didn't come back.
    Any good fighter will tell you: a hammer is just a really heavy set of lockpicks.
    Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.


    Adding to tease's list:
    You might be a redneck if:
    Your shotgun sees more use than your lawnmower
    You don't know the original color of your truck
    The pitchfork you use to scrape cow crap off your yard is the same one you use to cook hot dogs for your wedding.


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    Teasealot

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Teasealot on Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:37 pm

    Mah mind goes places it shouldn't... and brings back souvenirs.


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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:59 pm

    Talking to self
    arguing with self
    losing arguement with self
    no longer talking to self

    Things seem so much more interesting when you're about ready to start makin' Zs on the floor.
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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:44 pm

    The internet is the great equalizer, the remover of preconceptions, the destroyer of stereotypes. On the internet, there is no rank, no age, no face to make assumptions from, no body type, no accents, no mannersims to stereotype.
    All you have to go by is a username, an avatar, perhaps a gender. All there is is the raaw personality of the other person, wiht none of the traditional social constraints between you and them. In other words, You see them as they see themselves, not as how you would expect someone of that appearance to be.
    Ther is a sense of layin' it bare, a sense of "Here I am, in all my glory, all my folly, all my strengths and flaws. Love me, hate me, just don't troll me."

    This isn't always a good thing.

    Butt it allows diversities in friendships, companionships, and relationships in general that would otherwise be impossible due to traditional social and societal limitations.
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    SD

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by SD on Thu Nov 04, 2010 3:09 pm

    Proclaiming yourself or something as the "best [whatever] on the net!" just raises cynicism.
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    Cypher

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Cypher on Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:48 am

    How is it that the federal government, despite employing millions of intelligent individuals, displays the collective intelligence of a squeegee?

    Ever notice that when someone says "With all due respect" it always means "Kiss my ass"?
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    Teasealot

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Teasealot on Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:37 pm

    Cypher wrote:How is it that the federal government, despite employing millions of intelligent individuals, displays the collective intelligence of a squeegee?

    That's due to the Tease Principle (TM) of puttin' that much intelligence into a political system tends to have a Divide by Zero effect on the people within it. In short, it's all those competin' intellects cancellin' each other out, unfortunately leavin' the governmental administrators as the ones left thinkin', and we know they can be outsmarted by their pens...


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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Sun Nov 07, 2010 1:02 am

    Aliens will never come to earth, because they would probably end up downloading the internet first.
    In stories in general, when time travel is involved, why does everyone in both the future and the past speak 21st century english?
    If you remove the wings from a fly, does it become a walk?
    90% of studies can be made to show virtually anything, half the time.
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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:34 pm

    Genius and insanity share more than one border.
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    Night Dragon

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Night Dragon on Fri Nov 19, 2010 2:08 am

    A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
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    TheJimTimMan

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by TheJimTimMan on Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:19 pm

    If there's one thing modern society has shown it is that people are perfectly willing to ignore the bigger picture as long the little one makes them feel good.

    Market research is inherently flawed: you cannot gauge the interests of millions from a sample group of a few hundred thousand.


    Last edited by TheJimTimMan on Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:22 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : And another thing...)
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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:18 am

    Reminds me of the hitchhiker's guide.

    DON'T PANIC!



    Beware the stork smash!
    Perfection is an impossible thing.
    I am not kirk, spock, dorthy, flash, neo, archer, luke, or Arthur frelling Dent.
    I am not allowed to offer the farm kid and the old man a better rate to Aldaraan.
    There are 10 types of people in the world: those that know binary, and those that don't.
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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:16 pm

    "Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"
    - Mark Twain
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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:10 am

    We must accept life, in all its grandeur, all its splendor, but also in all its cruelty and unfairness.

    All its joy and happiness, all its sadness and pain.

    All its fun and excitement, all its sorrow and anguish.

    All its companionship and love, and all its shock and betrayal.

    To rage against wrongs when we can, and flow with rights.

    It’s in our nature, our blood.

    It’s all we have, save each other.

    It’s all I can express through the limitations of this petty language.

    Through the medium that is this internet connection.
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    Teasealot

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Teasealot on Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:07 pm

    Today I ordered pizza, which isn't a wierd thing but I checked the weather before the pizza guy arrived. There was a LIGHT dustin' of snow on the ground, and the sky was clear of clouds and blue as mah eyes...
    I did this 3 MINUTES before the pizza guy arrived, occasionally glancin' out the window to see if I could spot him arrive. (I was hungry and have a high metabolism)
    Apparently, the Creator Spirit/Higher Power/Mother Nature/Allah/God really hates Pizza delivery personnel as when the guy arrived, a full blown BLIZZARD had appeared, dropped 2 inches of snow, and was tryin' to turn him into a mobile snowman. Five minutes after he left, the Blizzard died down and the sky was clear again.


    Last edited by Teasealot on Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:05 pm; edited 1 time in total


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    Kvothe

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Kvothe on Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:09 am

    We need to stop quoting philosophers, and start quoting ourselves.
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    Cuboos

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by Cuboos on Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:39 am

    if you are happy when you laugh and angry when you resent some thing... how come no one laughs at every thing? - Me.
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    TheJimTimMan

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

    Post by TheJimTimMan on Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:09 pm

    "Long ago, when superstition was strong, fools mistook magic for knowledge. Now, when superstition is weak and science is strong, fools mistake knowledge for magic".
    -Unknown
    Not me, but damn if it ain't true.

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    Re: Cryptic metaphors, amusing muses, and other flatulence of the imagination

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