The Joke Thread!

Simple concept. Share some jokes! Have some fun! Get some laughs! I'll go first.



George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids, to get a little boost in his PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why do we have to pay for every other country's problems when we can't afford to give our own people health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W.Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why do we have to pay for every other country's problems when we can't afford to give our own people health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. **** off!

Two penguins is sitting in a bathtub. One says, "pass me the soap." the other penguin replies "I can't, im a radio"

I refuse to let this one die. Share some more jokes!

THREE NOTES GO INTO A BAR

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

I would but most of them are NSFW or really corny and bad.

Such as...

What's Green and Drinks Blood?
A Vampear.

What red, and flies?
A dead bus.

I take my leave now *dives for cover*

Teasealot wrote:
What red, and flies?
A dead bus.

I don't get this one... I think it's missing something...



A man goes into a restaurant and sits down, ordering a bowl of soup for an appetizer while he contemplates what to get for his main meal.

The waiter brings out the soup, places it in front of the man, and heads back to the kitchen when he's suddenly called back by the customer.

"Waiter," says the customer, "will you please taste my soup?"

"Taste your soup?" replies the waiter, "Why, is there something wrong with it?"

"No, no, I'd just like you to taste the soup."

"Is it too hot? I could have it cooled for you."

"Please, just taste the soup."

"I could heat it up if it's too cold."

"Waiter, please, just taste my soup."

"Does it taste funny?"

"Will you just taste the freaking soup?"

"Okay, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"

"Ah Ha!"

I don't know any good jokes....see like this

Knock knock
Who's there?
George Washington
George Washington who?
You don't know who George Washington is?

*ducks from a flying rotten tomato.*

Hey I said it was bad!!

Lord Grey II wrote:

Teasealot wrote:
What red, and flies?
A dead bus.

I don't get this one... I think it's missing something...

You may have to be British to get it really. London Buses are Bright Red, and if it's dead, it smells thus drwing flies.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb s**t, it’s Tony Blair!”

Grey, is this just an outlet for really bad jokes that you normaly cant get away with?

Teh Chay wrote:Grey, is this just an outlet for really bad jokes that you normaly cant get away with?

Maaaaaaaaybe.

Jokes that people might possibly laugh at though, not a repository for truly bad jokes.



An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Swede are conversing about their love lives.

The Frenchman says "Last night I made love to my wife five times. And in the morning she said to me: 'I will never leave you for another man'."

The Swedish man says "Pah! That is nothing, last night I made love to my wife ten times, and in the morning she said to me 'You are the love of my life and I will never ever leave you for anyone'."

The Englishman says "I made love to my wife once last night."

The Frenchman and Swede burst into dirivise laughter of their companion.

"Only once? What did she say to you in the morning?"

"Don't stop."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz."
A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

You will share.

A lawyer, a priest, and a hippie walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "What is this, a joke?

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

How many Discordians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw the bulb and another to confuse the issue.

What's green and hangs from pear trees?
Leaves.

What do you get hanging from pear trees?
Sore arms.

And my boyfriend Sinlain (AKA Blackwolf)'s favourite joke.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they ARRRRR!!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Accountant," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!"

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.



An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, "Have you caught anything yet?"

The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, "Aye, you be the ninth today."



Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After setting up their tent, they climb inside and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

How would you describe an archeologists job? Someone's who's career is in ruins.

Most of my jokes are pun related...

If at first you don't succeed, don't try sky diving...

okay so my jokes are just one liners, so sue me.

A man is walking across a desert when he stumbles across an old battered lamp. He picks the lamp up, and rubs it. Immediately a genie appears, and says "Okay, you can have a wish. Due to recent cutbacks, and despite popular myth, you don't get three wishes, we don't have enough money to grant that. So choose carefully---what do you want?"

The man thinks for a while, before answering, "I want a road network that would lead from anywhere in the world to Hawaii. All I would need to do is hop on a car and I could drive straight to paradise."

The genie is incredulous, saying "Do you realise how much money that would take, how much effort for all the bridges, how much weather it would have to withstand? Pick again."

The man then thinks for a bit more, and says "In that case, I'd like to be able to understand the mind of a woman."

The genie considers this for a moment, before asking. "That road network of yours---four lanes or six?"




A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Miss Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

Principal: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Harry: "George Washington."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Miss Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, said, "Legs."

Miss Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry: "Pockets."

Miss Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Miss Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Miss Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Miss Brooks: "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Miss Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F', ends with a 'K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.

"Well, what are you then?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks.

"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."


"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"

Mary smiled, "Then we'd be Republicans."



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

What do you call a cat with a broom desperately trying to keep a bad jokes thread alive?

Lord Grey II (Oh snap!)

I refuse to let this die. X3

This is the supposedly true story of George Phillips of Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Lord Grey II wrote:
1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. What did cured ham actually have?

9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

13. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Answers (as I see them)

1. Yes, it just diffuses with the water surrounding you, so you don't have tears but you stil cry.
2. Depends on how vocal they are and what the National Security/Secret Service think of them... where's that little red dot coming fr... *dives for cover*
3. Technically paper money is trees... maybe that's where the branches come from?
4. Hail Eris!!! Same reason hot dog buns come in packs of 6, and the hot dogs in cans of ten.
5. Into the Government's Black Operations budget... there's that red dot again...
6. Probably won't find out, being a gamer I'm going straight to Hell.
7. Easier to stack in the truck.
8. Life?
9. Priority mix-ups.
10. Cos they're idiots, and don't have kids.
11. Yes. Everyone else can hear.
12. Yes, they consider it Industrial Espionage.
13. Idiocy?
14. More money than sense?
15. Because fewer people actually want the job of President.
16. It's so they can snicker in private.
17. No-one, it's the guy next to them that'll call the ambulance.
18. Because English is the mugger of other languages.

I'm fairly sure all of them are rhetorical, actually.



An Engineer, a Doctor, and a Politician are all discussing which of thier proffessions came first.

"Well, according to the bible." says the Dr. "God created life first, so that makes him a doctor first."

The Engineer disagrees, "But if you will use that argument, he created order out of the chaos that was the void."

The Politician just smiled, knowing he had already won, "And where do you think the chaos came from?"



Back in Soviet Russia, farmers were trying to figure out the best way to maximize the milk production of their cows. So they called upon experts in several different fields. Specifically, a vet, a sociologist, a psychologist, a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist. They presented the problem to each, and were told to find an answer in three months.

Three months pass, and each specialist has a different presentation.

The vet outlines a nutritional plan that would help each cow produce milk.
The sociologist created a plan that would put the cows together in groups based on production to maximize milk retrieval based on importance.
The psychologist claimed that milk production was dependent on the cows happiness, and recommended therapy for each cow. The mathematician threw a bunch of graphs and equations that showed the optimum times of milk production and the factors that contributed thereof, none of which were really comprehensible.
The engineer unveiled a machine that would not only synthetically produce milk, but used cows to power it.

The farmers dismissed each of these ideas as either frivolous, expensive, or non-practical. They turned to the last expert, pleading that he had something viable. The physicist assures them that his plan is rock solid, economical, and easy to understand, because he took all of this into account. "Go on, go on, tell us then!"

"Ok," says the physicist, "first we assume that the cow is a perfect sphere..."

Ah, physics jokes are wasted on you guys, I bet. Because I probably have to explain it, 99.99% of all physics/thermodynamics problems force you to assume that the shape you're working with is either a perfect sphere or an ideal cylinder.

(paper money isn't actually made of paper....that's why it doesn't get totally destroyed in the laundry when you leave it in your pocket.)

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.