A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
I found the right color, I found the right color.He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
I'm letting off some of the more racy jokes. It makes me happy.---------------------------
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'
Hee! ^_^---------------------------
Q. How many Communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None: it contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Q. How many Neo-Cons does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None: the lightbulb is doing a fantastic job under very difficult conditions and the suggestions that it's broken are just defeatist propaganda spread by the liberal media. Why do you hate freedom?
This is when I decided to just do a bunch of lightbulb jokes.---------------------------
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
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How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. 130 to perform the environmental impact study;
2. 251 to apologize to the world for all of the heat that the old bulb gave off and the resultant contribution to Global Warming;
3. A talking point must be prepared By the DNC placing the failure of the light bulb squarely on George Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove;
4. A new chant must be developed for the next media event (ten-person rally) fomented by Move On, A.N.S.W.E.R., Code Pink, Not In My Name or the Berkeley Quilting Bee (an early favorite is "Bush Lied, Sylvania Died!");
5. Michael Moore must fim a documentary in which Bush must be depicted as callously reading a Dr. Seuss story to juvenile cancer patients at the very moment of the bulb's demise;
6. A gaggle of trial lawyers must prepare a class action suit on behalf of those suffering acute mental distress by being thrust into sudden, cruel, unanticipated darkness;
7. Grief counselors must be on hand to comfort those whom had developed a strong attachment for the old bulb;
8. Competitive bids must be solicited for the new bulb, with preferences given to women and minorities;
9. A letter of intent must be submitted to the ACLU offering assurances that there will be no prayer uttered at the old bulb's disposal or at the installation of the replacement;
10. A bill must be submitted in both houses removing the cost of the light bulb from the defense budget;
11. An illustrated pamphlet detailing the care and maintenance of light bulbs must be published in english, spanish, arabic, farsi, swahili, chinese (all varieties), high and low greek and ancient phoenician;
12. A lawyer to file a lawsuit over the light bulb's rights being denied. The lightbulb was comfortable being burnt out and did not want to change to conform to some Christian's views of how God intended lightbulbs to behave.
13. Permission to accomplish all the above must be obtained from the United Nations.
14. 9 union workers must be hired to actually change the lightbulb
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to bring the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly painted power tools.
The messages, they are secret and hidden in this message!
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