The Joke Thread!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks “Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

“Arr laddie, thats an easy question thar.” the pirate says, “it’s drivin' me nuts!”

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Steven was a bus driver, every day he drove the same route and at the same stop every day, a huge man built like a wrestler got on, said "Big Jim doesn't pay bus fares" stomped to the back and sat down. After a few weeks of this Steven had enough, went to the gym and worked out to get a simlar build, after several weeks, Big Jim got on and did his usual routine, Steven, now quite buff and confident stood up and demanded to know why!
Big Jim answered "Big Jim has a bus pass"

****

Man walks into a bar, wakes up in hospital

****

How many Shaddowlu troopers does it take to change a lightblub ?
21
1 to change the blub, the other 20 to rob the 7-11

*****
<Below could be NSFW and was told to me by Teases Grandfather, who was a tank transporter driver>
Italian tank for sale,
Five speeds
1 Forward, 4 Reverse

Nah Blackwolf, I think its safe. Probably about the Italian army consisting of cowards.

more pirate jokes!

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

<Below could be NSFW and was told to me by Teases Grandfather, who was a tank transporter driver>
Italian tank for sale,
Five speeds
1 Forward, 4 Reverse

Hm. That's odd. I've heard all kind of jokes like that about the French, but never the Italian.

Man walks into a bar:

Says "Ow"

Two friends are out hunting in the woods when one of them trips over a tree root and smacks his head on a large rock. The second hunter tries unsuccessfully to rouse him, and then frantically dials 911 on his cell phone.

"Please help me!" he said to the dispatcher "My friend fell and hit his head and now he's not movingI I think he's dead!"

"Calm down," said the dispatcher "first, check to make sure he's actually dead."

"OK" said the hunter. A few seconds later there was a gunshot. The hunter got back on the phone and said "OK, now what?"



An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."



A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.

That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.

The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."

The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."

The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."

The man said, " that's OK too, and I like to do a little fighting."

Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some wild sex."

The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"

The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

I would contribute but as Blackwolf would testify, my jokes are mostly NSFW, really strange or really old ones.

The cleanest one is kinda question...

Can a Daemon/demon/devil be arrested for possession?

Same for mine

Teasealot wrote:I would contribute but as Blackwolf would testify, my jokes are mostly NSFW, really strange or really old ones.

Blackwolf wrote:Same for mine

You know, it isn't against the rules to have NSFW stuff here. All I have to do is put NSFW in the thread title. You want me to? Cause I will. I love the dirty jokes. ^_^



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

A nd your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

An English general was standing on the top of a hill, with his army. Surrounding them was a thick fog. From out of the fog, a Scottish voice shouted out, "One Scotsman is equal to 5 Englishmen."
The general, being an arrogant sort, looks shocked at this, and picks 5 men. They go into the fog, and the sounds of fighting can be heard. After a minute, the fighting stops, and the same Scottish voice cries out, "One Scotsman is equal to 25 Englishmen."
Again the general takes this as an insult and sends 25 men into the fog. More fighting can be heard for a few moments, and then silence.
From out of the fog, the voice cries out, "One Scotsman is equal to 100 Englishmen."
The general is getting quite annoyed at this, sends in 100 men. Again the sounds of battle and then silence.
As before, the Scottish voice shouts out, "One Scotsman is equal to 500 Englishmen." The 500 charge into the fog, and more fighting can be heard. Then silence.
The voice shouts out again, "One Scotsman is equal to 1000 Englishmen." The general is absolutely livid at that claim and looks around at his army. Seeing he only has 750 men left, he decides that he'll lead the next charge.
Just as he starts, a battered, bleeding English soldier staggers back out of the fog.
He shouts up the general, "Sir, Don't fall for it! There's two of them!!!"

Okay... You want a taste of my terrible jokes. These are socially wrong, politically incorrect or just sick.

What is the definition of a skeleton?
A leper in a wind tunnel.

What is the difference between a truckful of bricks and a truckful of babies?
You can unload a truckful of babies with a pitchfork.

What is red and bubbles?
A baby in an oven.

What is red and taps at the window evertime it comes round?
A baby in a microwave.

What is red and gets smaller, the longer you watch it?
A baby with a potato peeler.

And I'll stop there. I have a lot more like those.

Teasealot wrote:Okay... You want a taste of my terrible jokes. These are socially wrong, politically incorrect or just sick.

What is the definition of a skeleton?
A leper in a wind tunnel.

What is the difference between a truckful of bricks and a truckful of babies?
You can unload a truckful of babies with a pitchfork.

What is red and bubbles?
A baby in an oven.

What is red and taps at the window evertime it comes round?
A baby in a microwave.

What is red and gets smaller, the longer you watch it?
A baby with a potato peeler.

And I'll stop there. I have a lot more like those.

Heeheeheeheeheehee ^_^



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

! The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He
did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off
my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

What sits on the ocean floor shouting "Kickers!" ? - Crude Oil
What sits on the ocean floor shaking all the time ? - Nervous Wreck
What's yellow and dangerous? - Shark infested custard
How do you know you have Elphants hiding in your frige? - Footprints in your butter

Did you hear about the conspated mathmatition ? - He worked it out with a pencil

Whats the definition of Virgin Wool? A sheep that's faster than a Scotsman

There is yet another bar in this joke, a somewhat rough one. A stranger wanders in, is regarded briefly by the clientele, and makes his way to the bar to order a drink.

Why this man would enter a strange bar alone and then drink alone is not something that was ever explained upon when I first heard this joke but I don’t think it matters.

So, a beverage is imbibed and the man gets a little chatty, “ I have a pacemaker” he informs the barman who is starting to be a little concerned about the man’s aberrant comment.

Our protagonist continues, “With it I can hear any mobile phone conversation around me” The barman, his will sapped reluctantly takes the bait and is drawn up into the conversation and the narrative of this joke. “Oh really?” he replies.

The enpacemakered drinker nods and points to a man at the far end of the bar that happened to be speaking on his phone. After listening for a moment the barman is regaled with the details of the call.

Disbelieving, he humours his customer, “Clever, but this can be a rough place, you shouldn’t be listening in to other people’s conversations.” The drinker shrugs and finds a corner to imbibe in, persuably while listening to the voices in his head.

The barman, not wanting anything too horrible to happen to his newest customer, keeps an eye on him.

After a little while the imbiber finishes his drink and makes for the toilets. The bartender notices this and the group of heavy set guys seeming to follow him in.

A few minutes pass and the other guys leave, the imbiber is nowhere to be seen.

The bartender, assuming the worst, heads in to see what state they left the ex-imbiber in. The bartender finds him, hands on the wall, naked from the waist down and a roll of toilet paper rammed deeply into his arse. “I told you not to listen to them!” he says, “Look what they did to you!”

“I didn’t” comes the reply, “I’m waiting for a fax”

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."



One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

That's okay Grey *Raised Eyebrow, Mischevious Smile*

Teasealot wrote:That's okay Grey *Raised Eyebrow, Mischevious Smile*

Run Grey, run as fast as you can....

*Frantic hand gestures to the guys, implying not to move or speak*

Blackwolf wrote:*Frantic hand gestures to the guys, implying not to move or speak*

*slowly turns to look at Blackwolf, her eyebrow raises*

*whistles*
I am impervious to you woman! I am the epitome of a callous male! Do your worst!

epp!

*pulls glases down, gives Tease the big brown wolf eyes over the top of the rims look*

Blackwolf wrote:epp!

*pulls glases down, gives Tease the big brown wolf eyes over the top of the rims look*

That look is not going to...
DAMMIT!!!! *cuddles into her boyfriend*