Broken Plot Device

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    The Joke Thread!

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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:47 am

    Chay, it's a joke.


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    Teh Chay

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teh Chay on Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:55 am

    So was my comment. It implyed a sitcom style moment of trickery.




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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:08 am

    http://teasealot.deviantart.com/art/Inigo-Avatar-130322118
    http://teasealot.deviantart.com/art/Redneck-Titan-130322420
    http://sinlain.deviantart.com/art/Don-Avatar-130304034

    Eve Players might understand a bit more... and yes, that IS the actual bow of one of the largest ships in the game... and Yes, I know what it looks like.


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    Blackwolf

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Blackwolf on Thu Jul 23, 2009 5:27 am

    In regards to Greys fasination with the pig and lions, I'd rather come back as a lion. (perferable female)
    When was the last time you had a lion sandwhich ?
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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:55 am

    Oh, uhm, about three, maybe four days ago. It was pretty go....

    Wait, you mean food? Oh. Never, I suppose.


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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:41 pm

    WARNING: Puns ahead. Read at your own risk.

    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

    3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    10.A poor country preacher was preparing the local chapel for a wedding ceremony scheduled a few days later. He noticed that the building looked rather shabby and decided to paint it. In the basement he found a can of paint and promptly went to work. As he finished one side of the building, he noticed that the paint can was almost half empty. He returned to the basement and found some paint thinner, which he used to fill his can of paint. Then he finished the job. That night, tyhe worst rainstorm of the year blew in, and the next morning found the preacher staring at what was left of his work. The first side he had painted was fine, but the paint had been washed off of the other three. The preacher asked, "Why did this happen, God? Why me? What am I supposed to do?" and there came a voice from heaven, saying "Repaint, and thin no more."


    And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Fri Jul 24, 2009 7:44 am

    Grey, Time to be PUNished *smacks Grey into the Stratosphere with Excalibat*


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    SD

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by SD on Fri Jul 24, 2009 12:52 pm

    Oooowwww....the puns...they hurt!!!
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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Fri Jul 24, 2009 1:35 pm

    Hee, puns got a nice reaction. I'll have to find some more. ^_^


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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Sun Jul 26, 2009 10:32 am

    "I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart and was in line to check out.

    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned, and was that the reason for my being hospitalized.

    I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought the big guy was going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard."

    -----------------------------------


    The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the LAPD were having a competition: Who could find a rabbit that had been released into the forest the fastest.

    The FBI set up surveillence and questioned key witnesses and proved there was no rabbit.

    Scotland yard looked for about ten minutes then burned down the forest. They said it had it coming to him.

    The LAPD looked for a few minutes and came out with a badly beaten bear saying "Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

    -----------------------------------


    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

    -----------------------------------


    There was once a bus conductor who was good at his job.

    He worked at it for a long time, and after several years of this, he ended up getting really dissatisfied.

    One day, he went into work, and the first person who asked him for money had 3 screaming children. They just wouldn't shut up, no matter what he did.
    The next person didn't have change, and had to break a £20. By this point the Conductor was just fuming.
    "One more person pisses me off today," he says "and I swear I'm going to slaughter the whole damn bus!"
    Sure enough, the next person who he asks didn't have any money at all. He flipped, pulled out a machete, and killed everyone on board.

    He was taken away, and the Judge, apalled by the severity of his crime, issues the Death Sentence.

    So he lives in Death Row for a few years before finally being led to the Electric Chair.

    The executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. "A green banana" says the man. So the executioner hands him a green banana. He very deliberately eats it, before being led away.
    He straps him into the machine, and turns the electricity on. After a minute, they shut the machine down. The man is sitting there, completely unharmed. "Hmm... maybe the machine's on the blink. We'll try again tomorrow."

    So the next day, they try again, and again ask him what he wants as his last meal. Again, the man asks for a green banana. One again, he eats it, they strap him in, and again, leaving it on for a minute, the man is there, completely unharmed.

    This follows on for the next week, each time the man eating a green banana, then the electrocution failing.

    Eventually they decide they're going to have to try the lethal injection.

    This is going to be a different executioner, so the first executioner says to the man "can I just ask you one thing?"
    "Sure" says the doomed man.
    "What's your secret? What is it about the bananas that makes you invulnerable to electrocution?"
    "Nothing," says the man "I'm just a bad conductor."


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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:51 pm

    A chemist, a plumber, and an electrician were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

    "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

    "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

    Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

    Then the plumber was brought forward.

    "Do you have anything you want to say?"

    "No, just get on with it."

    The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the plumber was released.

    Then the electrician was brought forward.

    "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

    "Yes," replied the electrician. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

    ------------------------------


    A man goes into a bar. He buys a pint of Carlsberg, and noticing his shoes are slightly scuffed, decides to buy new ones later that week. Although this really has no relevance.

    While in the bar, he looks around and sees next to him a man, a normal looking man, except he has a small orange instead of a head.

    "I hope you on't think me rude, but I was just wondering how you got that small orange as a head?" he asked.

    "Well, it's a long story...you still wanna hear it?" replied the man.

    "Sure."

    "OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across this lamp. Naturally I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."

    "Wow! What did you wish for?"

    "Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need..."

    "Did you get it?"

    "Yeah, I'm buying everyone in the bar a drink tonight. My second wish was to have all the best, fastest car in the whole world."

    "Did you get it?"

    "Yeah, have a look outside, that baby on the kerb is mine!"

    "Wow! Amazing! What was your third wish?"

    "To have a small orange instead a head."

    ------------------------------


    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

    The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
    testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that at around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada."

    ------------------------------


    A man goes into a bar, and then boards a plane, as he is a pilot. As they took off he was sitting in the cockpit and pulled out a .38 revolver.

    He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

    The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

    The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

    The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

    The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

    "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


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    Nilo Kaal

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Nilo Kaal on Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:33 pm

    Ha ha love that last one XD
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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Tue Aug 04, 2009 10:22 pm

    I heard joke once

    Man goes to doctor. Says he feels depressed. Life too hard in harsh world.

    Doctor says cure is easy. The great clown Palliachi is in town. Go see him.

    Man bursts into tears. But doc, he says. I am Palliachi.

    Good joke.

    Everybody laughs.

    Curtains... close.


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    Night Dragon

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Night Dragon on Wed Aug 05, 2009 2:13 am

    Ha ha, A lot of those were funny, some were just plain weird....


    A man walks into a resturant with and Ostrich, he goes to a table and a waiter takes his order, after he was done eating he pulled out the exact amount of money for the bill.

    The man does this for a couple of weeks until finally a waitress asks him how come he pulls out the exact amount money needed even though he always orders soemtihng different...

    The man then replies, I had found a genie this one time and he only gave me two wishes.

    The waitress then asks, What did you wish for?

    The man replies, My first wish was everytime I reached into my pants pocket to pay, I would always get the exact amount of money every time. And my 2nd wish was for a leggy blonde that agrees with everything I said...

    So the waitress asks where is she?

    Then the man says, Here she is. and points at the ostrich who then says, That was a good choice on the meat loaf today...
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    Nilo Kaal

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Nilo Kaal on Wed Aug 05, 2009 2:27 am

    Lord Grey II wrote:I heard joke once

    Man goes to doctor. Says he feels depressed. Life too hard in harsh world.

    Doctor says cure is easy. The great clown Palliachi is in town. Go see him.

    Man bursts into tears. But doc, he says. I am Palliachi.

    Good joke.

    Everybody laughs.

    Curtains... close.
    I love Rorschach ^^
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    Night Dragon

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Night Dragon on Wed Aug 05, 2009 2:28 am

    Nilo Kaal wrote:
    Lord Grey II wrote:I heard joke once

    Man goes to doctor. Says he feels depressed. Life too hard in harsh world.

    Doctor says cure is easy. The great clown Palliachi is in town. Go see him.

    Man bursts into tears. But doc, he says. I am Palliachi.

    Good joke.

    Everybody laughs.

    Curtains... close.
    I love Rorschach ^^

    Huh? I don't get it.
    Serously, I don't get it...
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    Lord Grey II

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Lord Grey II on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:21 am

    Night Dragon wrote:
    Huh? I don't get it.
    Serously, I don't get it...

    It's a reference to Watchmen more than an actual joke. I wanted to see how accurately I could remember it without looking it up.


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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:38 am

    Haven't seen it. Haven't read it. The rabid fanboys turned me off the whole Watchmen thing.


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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Night Dragon on Wed Aug 05, 2009 12:29 pm

    Lord Grey II wrote:
    Night Dragon wrote:
    Huh? I don't get it.
    Serously, I don't get it...

    It's a reference to Watchmen more than an actual joke. I wanted to see how accurately I could remember it without looking it up.

    Oh ok,never seen it so....
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    SD

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by SD on Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:19 pm

    Unnatural Laws:

    Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will
    O'Tools Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. (And how)
    The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it's good it goes away, if it's bad, it happens
    Howe's Law: Everyman has a scheme that will not work
    Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster
    Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well
    Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.
    The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
    Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people; those who divide people into two types, and those that don't
    Samaratin's Reality: No good deed goes unpunished.
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    Night Dragon

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Night Dragon on Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:32 pm

    Wow that is alot, I know where you got one or two of them though, I think anyway....

    Any ways, lol....
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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:29 pm

    SD wrote:Unnatural Laws:

    Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will
    O'Tools Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. (And how)
    The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it's good it goes away, if it's bad, it happens
    Howe's Law: Everyman has a scheme that will not work
    Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster
    Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well
    Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.
    The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
    Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people; those who divide people into two types, and those that don't
    Samaratin's Reality: No good deed goes unpunished.

    Sod's Law: Fate favours Drunks and Madmen.
    Chaos' Law: In chaos you will find everything, even stability and law.


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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Night Dragon on Wed Aug 05, 2009 3:32 pm

    Teasealot wrote:
    SD wrote:Unnatural Laws:

    Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will
    O'Tools Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. (And how)
    The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it's good it goes away, if it's bad, it happens
    Howe's Law: Everyman has a scheme that will not work
    Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster
    Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well
    Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.
    The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
    Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people; those who divide people into two types, and those that don't
    Samaratin's Reality: No good deed goes unpunished.

    Sod's Law: Fate favours Drunks and Madmen.
    Chaos' Law: In chaos you will find everything, even stability and law.
    Ha ha.
    Woot! That is fuuny.

    Also almost ready to send a pm with links....
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    Teasealot

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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:20 pm

    Pandora, you'll love this joke... Batman fans... maaaybe not.

    What do you call Batman and Robin after they get run over by a steamroller?
    Flatman and Ribbon.


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    Re: The Joke Thread!

    Post by Teasealot on Wed Feb 03, 2010 5:12 pm

    *speaks the Incantation of Ressurection over the thread*

    Why are cowboys careful when they open their packets of crisps?
    Incase they get arrested for rustling.

    What's yellow and black, eats brains and flies around going ZOM ZOM ZOM?
    A Zombee.


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    Re: The Joke Thread!

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